This casual surf and turf restaurant in Manhattan Beach offers postcard-perfect ocean views, and as an approved in-network seafood provider, it has become a favorite among members of Blue Shield, Kaiser, and Anthem Blue Cross health groups. Patrons simply present their insurance card to the maître d’ upon arrival, which entitles them to coverage for 80 percent of the cost of most standard menu items, such as the exemplary pan-seared tuna and classic shrimp scampi, with only a $10 co-pay (while some generic meals, including the baked tilapia, may be entirely free). However, daily specials, such as the exquisite squid ink pasta, as well as nonessential items like dessert, will most likely be out of pocket. At Lorraine’s, you’ll find plenty of loyal repeat customers who either can’t resist the crab cakes or have already hit their annual maximum and will have their dinners paid for in full by their insurers for the remainder of the year.

Recommended, but walk-ins are accepted in an emergency

“I needed my dad to help me decipher the fine print on the menu’s benefits guide, but it was worth it!”

20–30 minutes, though much of this will be spent filling out diner intake forms

End-of-life palliative ice cream may be covered under some plans

In 2017, celebrity busboy Jon Griffiths, an accomplished veteran of the New York and Paris table-clearing scenes, opened his own restaurant in his native Pacific Palisades to showcase his innovative and impeccable take on sweeping away crumbs after a meal. After years spent studying under master bussers across the globe, Griffiths created a popular hot spot where diners can marvel at his dazzling displays, which combine classic French tidying techniques with Southeast Asian influences and Griffiths’ own groundbreaking style. In order to acquire their iconic golden sweepers, each Crumb Sweep employee must undergo a famously grueling yearlong training program to develop the precision and flair that Griffiths expects; on certain nights, Griffiths himself can be spotted showing off his signature single-arm sweep after a particularly crumbly flatbread or bruschetta has been removed from a diner’s table. At Crumb Sweep, you’re sure to be swept away as quickly as the flakes of puff pastry left behind from your meal.

Rosemary focaccia, ordered “extra stale"

“Every single dish was dry and overly crunchy. It was perfection.”

Bring a slice of toast from home and discreetly crumble it over the table

The waitstaff sweeps up a large mound of crushed oyster crackers from the guest of honor’s place setting

Yes, but it often attracts hundreds of pigeons

Crumb Sweep

Sending shockwaves through the fine dining establishment with her boundary-pushing menu of crystal- and ore-based offerings, visionary chef Caroline Sissen has proven that she is far ahead of the gastronomic curve by anticipating humankind’s eventual evolution to consuming rocks for sustenance. While entirely toxic to current customers, Sissen’s signature dishes, such as shale salad and flame-broiled obsidian cutlets, are certain to be appreciated anew in about a million years when humans have developed an advanced digestive tract capable of absorbing nutrients from concretions of mineral matter. While most Century City diners lack the 200-pound pancreas necessary to survive the mica-glazed roast amethyst, that hasn’t stopped the buzz from building around this truly revolutionary restaurant and its avant-garde seven-course gravel tasting menu. With reservations nearly impossible to come by, Feldspar is packing its tables with LA’s top foodies and packing Cedars-Sinai with intestinal rupture patients—and it shows no sign of slowing down anytime soon.

After the development of silicon-based intestines

Sample six different rocks with an igneous flight

All bauxite entrees are based on that day’s market price

Compatible with the anticipated tripedal stage of human evolution

At Wagglers, dongs and their owners aren’t just allowed, they’re welcomed. LA is a city that loves its dongs, and this charming café recognizes that Angelenos hate being forced to choose between great cuisine and spending quality time with man’s best friend. Enjoy a cappuccino and an almond croissant while your dong rests on your lap, or sample one of Wagglers’ superlative sandwiches. The cozy Los Feliz spot can get a little wild when it’s packed with dongs, but that’s what makes it so fun. And it’s the perfect spot for dong-lovers who don’t have dongs themselves to get a few pats in (but always ask the owner first!). Afterward, there’s no better way to burn off one of Wagglers’ scrumptious muffins than heading with your dong to the park next door!

Quick bites; hanging out with cute dongs from the neighborhood

No, but there are water bowls beside each table to help your dong stay cool

Average; dongs are typically well behaved

Wagglers

More and more diners are questioning the ethics of eating meat, but at Culver City’s Black Sheep, even vegans and vegetarians can dig into the positively sinful porterhouses with a clean conscience. That’s because chef Mott Hammarskjold’s newest farm-to-table outpost uses only cuts of meat from animals so unrepentantly cruel and malevolent that capital punishment might be too merciful a sentence for these monsters. Working closely with local farms and ranches, Hammarskjold hand-selects hogs with a documented history of torture and mutilation, cattle that deliberately trampled their own calves to death, and clinically sociopathic geese—all of which represent the worst of the worst of their species and must no longer be allowed to live amongst their kin. Ethical eaters can rest easy knowing that not only are they savoring some of the freshest sustainably sourced New American cuisine in LA, they’re also helping to protect thousands of innocent animals from the hardened psychopaths they’re dining on.

Duck confit from a confirmed homicidal mallard

Yes, but you’ll want meat when you find out what these animals did

Ask for any menu item’s rap sheet to ensure it’s as inexcusable as you desire

An open kitchen allows diners to see justice being dispensed

Black Sheep has worked hard to rebuild its reputation following an incident in 2016 when DNA evidence exonerated a Cornish game hen just days after it had been tragically broiled

Black Sheep

This playful take on upscale Caribbean cuisine has quickly become LA’s premier destination for foodies on the go—in fact, that’s the only way to place an order. Angelenos who want to experience LAPD officer Todd Vega’s expertly spiced delicacies must commit a moving violation on the 405 between Imperial Highway and Mulholland Drive, where they will be directed to pull over to the shoulder and served a generously portioned meal based on their particular offense. Driving 25 miles per hour over the speed limit? Get ready to enjoy Vega’s famously succulent red snapper. Weave dangerously between lanes and you’ll be treated to the best coconut stewed fish the LA freeway system has to offer. Unable to decide? Why not initiate a high-speed chase that culminates in a median barrier collision to try Vega’s opulent prix fixe? Diners should pay close attention to the restaurant’s hours, however, as attempting to order curry shrimp on a Monday will only result in a $350 fine from officer Peter Rusk.

“After that lobster salad, you better believe I’ll be driving drunk on the 405 more often!”

Drive with your brake lights out to order the delicious sweet potato fritters

Varies depending on traffic and chosen radio station

Anyone under 8 years or 4’9” must be seated in the back seat

Fish And CHiPs

Curious once-overs and interested glances are constantly flashing between customers at this Santa Monica bar, where locals come to see and be seen by other toned and tanned patrons looking for an anonymous tennis partner. From the early morning until the last courts close, visitors to Aces will find it thronged by strong-calfed men and athletic women in skimpy racerback dresses sipping on one of Aces’ superb jalapeño margaritas and eager to meet someone new for a casual one-off singles match or a doubles partner for group play. “The great thing about this place is you can always find someone who’s up for anything, even if you’re into wilder stuff like clay or Canadian doubles,” said one Aces regular, who explained that it’s common for impassioned patrons to slip out of the bar and have a vigorous set with somebody they just met an hour before. As any frequent visitor will tell you, if you end your night at Aces, you’ll be working up a sweat with someone new before you know it.

Swinging singles players; adventurous couples looking to pick up a ball boy

The eastern forehand grip is nothing fancy, but professionals nonetheless swear by it for its versatility and precision

Make an impression: if your shoulder blades aren’t visible, don’t be surprised if you end up on the courts alone

Aces

Feldspar

Humans’ love of eating meat speaks to our most primal predatory instincts, and no restaurant understands this better than Glendale’s Bird Of Prey, which offers not just a host of succulent game dishes, but also the opportunity to hunt from 250 feet in the air just as the great raptors of the sky do. Using a complex network of harnesses and cables, diners at Bird Of Prey begin their meal by perching in the rafters, where they scan the tables below for their desired meal—from juicy sautéed frog legs to decadent whole roasted rabbit—before attempting a 100-mile-per-hour headfirst dive toward their chosen dish. Successful predators are then rapidly hoisted back up to their reserved nest, all the while triumphantly clutching their braised ribs or seared venison in their strap-on talons and defending their meal from other hungry diners with loud, fearsome screeches. Kids are always welcome at Bird Of Prey, though as they stare down at their grilled cheese from 25 stories up, parents might recognize the need for a little push!

Aerodynamically designed spandex flight suits will be provided

Resist the temptation to close your eyes upon impact with the table, as these are the critical seconds when meals are snatched or lost

Making a strong impression during a business lunch

Bird Of Prey

Plenty of restaurateurs talk about their love of authenticity, but few have the commitment of Rytlewski & Sons in Boyle Heights, which takes the “industrial chic” aesthetic to new heights by being a fully functional drywall factory. Patrons shouldn’t expect a traditional restaurant atmosphere with such predictable offerings as seating, waitstaff, or food. Merely being inside this gritty architectural gem with its stylish manufacturing vibe is an exceptional culinary experience in its own right. Gourmands who don’t mind inhaling gypsum dust and dodging the occasional passing forklift will appreciate how the owners have left the location in an edgy state of rawness, eschewing such tired trends as polishing the concrete floors, replacing the overhead fluorescent lighting with hanging string lights, or removing the machine that slices the drywall into 4-by-12-foot sheets. Once you’ve experienced the genuine rough-edged aesthetic of the factory-inspired dining area, take a peek out back, where the owners have smartly maintained the charm of an active loading dock instead of transforming the space into just another cookie-cutter LA beer garden.

Safety goggles are mandatory at all times

“Don’t leave any of your stuff on top of the folding machine.”

The night shift foreman looks like Chris Cooper

Lorraine’s By The Sea

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