While this distinctive new pop-up destination arrived only yesterday during low tide, it already has the LA foodie scene buzzing due to its generous portions and spectacular oceanfront location. Prospective diners should plan to arrive early, as you’re likely to encounter large crowds of fellow gourmands, 4,000–5,000 seagulls, and hundreds of species of worm, all eager for a spot at this popular limited-run eatery. Rumor has it a second location might be added farther up the coast if the pod continues to wander off course, but you’ll still want to hurry to this seaside sensation before it’s either picked clean or ruptures due to the buildup of gases from advanced putrefaction.

Low, once the gulls have gorged themselves

Dungeness crabs, greenbottle blowflies, Rachel Weisz

Sending shockwaves through the fine dining establishment with her boundary-pushing menu of crystal- and ore-based offerings, visionary chef Caroline Sissen has proven that she is far ahead of the gastronomic curve by anticipating humankind’s eventual evolution to consuming rocks for sustenance. While entirely toxic to current customers, Sissen’s signature dishes, such as shale salad and flame-broiled obsidian cutlets, are certain to be appreciated anew in about a million years when humans have developed an advanced digestive tract capable of absorbing nutrients from concretions of mineral matter. While most Century City diners lack the 200-pound pancreas necessary to survive the mica-glazed roast amethyst, that hasn’t stopped the buzz from building around this truly revolutionary restaurant and its avant-garde seven-course gravel tasting menu. With reservations nearly impossible to come by, Feldspar is packing its tables with LA’s top foodies and packing Cedars-Sinai with intestinal rupture patients—and it shows no sign of slowing down anytime soon.

After the development of silicon-based intestines

Sample six different rocks with an igneous flight

All bauxite entrees are based on that day’s market price

Compatible with the anticipated tripedal stage of human evolution

Feldspar

This casual surf and turf restaurant in Manhattan Beach offers postcard-perfect ocean views, and as an approved in-network seafood provider, it has become a favorite among members of Blue Shield, Kaiser, and Anthem Blue Cross health groups. Patrons simply present their insurance card to the maître d’ upon arrival, which entitles them to coverage for 80 percent of the cost of most standard menu items, such as the exemplary pan-seared tuna and classic shrimp scampi, with only a $10 co-pay (while some generic meals, including the baked tilapia, may be entirely free). However, daily specials, such as the exquisite squid ink pasta, as well as nonessential items like dessert, will most likely be out of pocket. At Lorraine’s, you’ll find plenty of loyal repeat customers who either can’t resist the crab cakes or have already hit their annual maximum and will have their dinners paid for in full by their insurers for the remainder of the year.

Recommended, but walk-ins are accepted in an emergency

“I needed my dad to help me decipher the fine print on the menu’s benefits guide, but it was worth it!”

20–30 minutes, though much of this will be spent filling out diner intake forms

End-of-life palliative ice cream may be covered under some plans

Lorraine’s By The Sea

More and more diners are questioning the ethics of eating meat, but at Culver City’s Black Sheep, even vegans and vegetarians can dig into the positively sinful porterhouses with a clean conscience. That’s because chef Mott Hammarskjold’s newest farm-to-table outpost uses only cuts of meat from animals so unrepentantly cruel and malevolent that capital punishment might be too merciful a sentence for these monsters. Working closely with local farms and ranches, Hammarskjold hand-selects hogs with a documented history of torture and mutilation, cattle that deliberately trampled their own calves to death, and clinically sociopathic geese—all of which represent the worst of the worst of their species and must no longer be allowed to live amongst their kin. Ethical eaters can rest easy knowing that not only are they savoring some of the freshest sustainably sourced New American cuisine in LA, they’re also helping to protect thousands of innocent animals from the hardened psychopaths they’re dining on.

Duck confit from a confirmed homicidal mallard

Yes, but you’ll want meat when you find out what these animals did

Ask for any menu item’s rap sheet to ensure it’s as inexcusable as you desire

An open kitchen allows diners to see justice being dispensed

Black Sheep has worked hard to rebuild its reputation following an incident in 2016 when DNA evidence exonerated a Cornish game hen just days after it had been tragically broiled

Black Sheep

This fast-casual grill in Pasadena offers both an impressive array of bar food classics as well as a feast for the eyes with its legendary waitstaff, all of whom perkily attend to guests in little more than roller skates and meticulously recreated outfits evoking the 31st U.S. president. Ogling is an understood part of the experience at Hoovers, and while the famed buffalo wings and plump crab legs are worthy of diners’ attention, they simply cannot compete with the distractingly full-jowled servers in their skintight waistcoats. Whether you’re stopping in for a quick lunch or a raucous night on the town, be sure to order one of the restaurant’s signature burgers and let your eyes wander—no one will judge you for staring at all the Hoovers on full display.

“Eye-catching, yes, but most of the Hoovers are clearly fake.”

The speakeasy under booth 8 serves moonshine and highballs

The Beached Sperm Whale At Playa Del Rey

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