Guide To Wine

If you are selecting the wine for your table, go with something everyone will enjoy, like $36.

Smell your wine after you open the bottle to ensure you can track it down by scent if it escapes.

Choose a wine that complements your meal. For example, if you’re having steak, look for a wine with notes of roasted potato and creamed spinach.

Red wine is traditionally served in a wide-mouthed glass while white is typically served in a small plastic Cincinnati Reds baseball helmet and smothered in whipped cream and hot fudge.

Some restaurants may charge you a corkage fee if you bring in your own bottle of wine, but you can avoid this by chugging it in the alley before dinner.

Asking your server to refill your wine glass is an excellent way to get an additional set of fingerprints on a heavy blunt object.

Pinot grigio tastes like piss.

If you’re drinking a white, hold the glass by the stem so that your hand doesn’t heat the chilled contents. If you’re drinking a red, hold the bowl of the glass to lend the wine some warmth. If you’re drinking a fortified, gently roll down the brown paper until the neck of the bottle is sufficiently revealed to sip from.

Remember that there is very little difference in quality between a $15,000 bottle of wine and a $20,000 bottle of wine.

If you’re looking for a wine selection that demonstrates you know your way around the world of wines when in fact nothing could be further from the truth, we recommend ordering a malbec.

Once the sommelier removes the cork, it’s customary to punch a hole in the bottle with your keys and shotgun it on the spot.