Guide To Wine

Understanding grapes varietals, labels, and DUI loopholes.
  • If you are selecting the wine for your table, go with something everyone will enjoy, like $36.
  • Smell your wine after you open the bottle to ensure you can track it down by scent if it escapes.
  • Choose a wine that complements your meal. For example, if you’re having steak, look for a wine with notes of roasted potato and creamed spinach.
  • Red wine is traditionally served in a wide-mouthed glass while white is typically served in a small plastic Cincinnati Reds baseball helmet and smothered in whipped cream and hot fudge.
  • Some restaurants may charge you a corkage fee if you bring in your own bottle of wine, but you can avoid this by chugging it in the alley before dinner.
  • Asking your server to refill your wine glass is an excellent way to get an additional set of fingerprints on a heavy blunt object.
  • Pinot grigio tastes like piss.
  • If you’re drinking a white, hold the glass by the stem so that your hand doesn’t heat the chilled contents. If you’re drinking a red, hold the bowl of the glass to lend the wine some warmth. If you’re drinking a fortified, gently roll down the brown paper until the neck of the bottle is sufficiently revealed to sip from.
  • Remember that there is very little difference in quality between a $15,000 bottle of wine and a $20,000 bottle of wine.
  • If you’re looking for a wine selection that demonstrates you know your way around the world of wines when in fact nothing could be further from the truth, we recommend ordering a malbec.
  • Once the sommelier removes the cork, it’s customary to punch a hole in the bottle with your keys and shotgun it on the spot.