With its tantalizing menu of locally sourced microwavable delicacies and its intimate dining room lit only by the flickering of a single television screen, chef Adrian Roper’s elevated tribute to his childhood whisks diners away to a world in which Mom doesn’t get home until 7:30 so they’re on their own for dinner. The downtown spot’s standout dishes include Wagyu beef Steak-umms piled high on rustic white bread and wood-fired Bagel Bites topped with a tomato gastrique and taleggio-soppressata foam, all elegantly plated on folded-over paper towels and placed on the lush carpet in front of cross-legged customers. Diners who stay for dessert can indulge in a heavenly pomegranate-and-goji-berry Fruit by the Foot while enjoying a rerun of Full House or Are You Afraid of the Dark? playing only inches from their face. Patrons looking to linger after dinner can move on to Thad’s Room, the older-brother’s-room-themed bar located in the restaurant’s basement, where they can sink into an inviting futon and sample a thrilling collection of Fireball-and-room-temperature-Sprite-based cocktails.

Hours: 2:55 p.m. until the sound of the garage door opening
Ambience: Game of GoldenEye being played at extremely high volume
Dress Code: No shoes on the new carpet
Must-Try Dish: Deconstructed ham and cheese with a side of seasonal Fritos
Service: Prompt and efficient, but you are required to say “please” and “thank you” to your server