After more than 60 years in operation, the owners of this Silver Lake fixture were compelled by the neighborhood’s newly enacted zoning ordinance to convert their family-style Italian trattoria into a poke shop within 48 hours or face eviction. In accordance with civil code 27: 21 C, the new eatery, hereby known as Landone’s Poke, must paint over its dining room mural of a Tuscan village and replace it with a massive cresting wave beneath the words “aloha nui loa” or lose their restaurant permit and risk forcible removal from the premises. As soon as husband-and-wife owners Joseph and Maria Landone have updated their restaurant with the required blue lighting and smiling tuna logo, we recommend stopping in for their city-mandated Oahu Bowl menu item before their shop is ordered to become a Thai rolled ice cream parlor in four weeks.

Before Thursday: penne all’arrabbiata; after Thursday: spicy ponzu poke-rito

Quietly sobbing in the back when they have any time to spare

Maps of Italy and Italian chef sculptures on sale for jaw-dropping prices

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t make the rules. The ordinance says this place needs to be serving sesame seaweed salad.”

At Wagglers, dongs and their owners aren’t just allowed, they’re welcomed. LA is a city that loves its dongs, and this charming café recognizes that Angelenos hate being forced to choose between great cuisine and spending quality time with man’s best friend. Enjoy a cappuccino and an almond croissant while your dong rests on your lap, or sample one of Wagglers’ superlative sandwiches. The cozy Los Feliz spot can get a little wild when it’s packed with dongs, but that’s what makes it so fun. And it’s the perfect spot for dong-lovers who don’t have dongs themselves to get a few pats in (but always ask the owner first!). Afterward, there’s no better way to burn off one of Wagglers’ scrumptious muffins than heading with your dong to the park next door!

Quick bites; hanging out with cute dongs from the neighborhood

No, but there are water bowls beside each table to help your dong stay cool

Average; dongs are typically well behaved

Wagglers

In 2017, celebrity busboy Jon Griffiths, an accomplished veteran of the New York and Paris table-clearing scenes, opened his own restaurant in his native Pacific Palisades to showcase his innovative and impeccable take on sweeping away crumbs after a meal. After years spent studying under master bussers across the globe, Griffiths created a popular hot spot where diners can marvel at his dazzling displays, which combine classic French tidying techniques with Southeast Asian influences and Griffiths’ own groundbreaking style. In order to acquire their iconic golden sweepers, each Crumb Sweep employee must undergo a famously grueling yearlong training program to develop the precision and flair that Griffiths expects; on certain nights, Griffiths himself can be spotted showing off his signature single-arm sweep after a particularly crumbly flatbread or bruschetta has been removed from a diner’s table. At Crumb Sweep, you’re sure to be swept away as quickly as the flakes of puff pastry left behind from your meal.

Rosemary focaccia, ordered “extra stale"

“Every single dish was dry and overly crunchy. It was perfection.”

Bring a slice of toast from home and discreetly crumble it over the table

The waitstaff sweeps up a large mound of crushed oyster crackers from the guest of honor’s place setting

Yes, but it often attracts hundreds of pigeons

Crumb Sweep

The crowning achievement of chef Frank Bolen (formerly of Ababa and 餐饮), Pachamanca brings classical Andean fare to East Hollywood by utilizing recipes, techniques, and cookware handed down through generations of the Vilca family until the night Bolen absconded with them from the village of Ayacucho, Peru. With rustic furniture taken directly from the Vilca family home and traditional decor that features a Mother Mary statue discreetly removed from the Ayacucho town square by the chef himself, you’ll feel like you’ve been transported to a picturesque Peruvian mountainside. Enjoy the stunning puca picante stew, based on a page torn directly out of the Vilca family’s handwritten cookbook, prepared in the Vilca family’s generationally seasoned stock pot, and served in wooden bowls made by Abuela Andrea herself. Having lost everything they own, not even the Vilcas could provide you a more authentic Peruvian meal than Pachamanca.

“Chef Bolen’s aji verde sauce is so addictive you pray he doesn’t face extradition.”

If you’re thinking of appropriating traditional Peruvian attire, now is the time

“I’m sure the Vilca family has a newer, better set of cooking pots.”

Pachamanca

With its tantalizing menu of locally sourced microwavable delicacies and its intimate dining room lit only by the flickering of a single television screen, chef Adrian Roper’s elevated tribute to his childhood whisks diners away to a world in which Mom doesn’t get home until 7:30 so they’re on their own for dinner. The downtown spot’s standout dishes include Wagyu beef Steak-umms piled high on rustic white bread and wood-fired Bagel Bites topped with a tomato gastrique and taleggio-soppressata foam, all elegantly plated on folded-over paper towels and placed on the lush carpet in front of cross-legged customers. Diners who stay for dessert can indulge in a heavenly pomegranate-and-goji-berry Fruit by the Foot while enjoying a rerun of Full House or Are You Afraid of the Dark? playing only inches from their face. Patrons looking to linger after dinner can move on to Thad’s Room, the older-brother’s-room-themed bar located in the restaurant’s basement, where they can sink into an inviting futon and sample a thrilling collection of Fireball-and-room-temperature-Sprite-based cocktails.

2:55 p.m. until the sound of the garage door opening

Game of GoldenEye being played at extremely high volume

Deconstructed ham and cheese with a side of seasonal Fritos

Prompt and efficient, but you are required to say “please” and “thank you” to your server

While this distinctive new pop-up destination arrived only yesterday during low tide, it already has the LA foodie scene buzzing due to its generous portions and spectacular oceanfront location. Prospective diners should plan to arrive early, as you’re likely to encounter large crowds of fellow gourmands, 4,000–5,000 seagulls, and hundreds of species of worm, all eager for a spot at this popular limited-run eatery. Rumor has it a second location might be added farther up the coast if the pod continues to wander off course, but you’ll still want to hurry to this seaside sensation before it’s either picked clean or ruptures due to the buildup of gases from advanced putrefaction.

Low, once the gulls have gorged themselves

Dungeness crabs, greenbottle blowflies, Rachel Weisz

The Beached Sperm Whale At Playa Del Rey

This playful take on upscale Caribbean cuisine has quickly become LA’s premier destination for foodies on the go—in fact, that’s the only way to place an order. Angelenos who want to experience LAPD officer Todd Vega’s expertly spiced delicacies must commit a moving violation on the 405 between Imperial Highway and Mulholland Drive, where they will be directed to pull over to the shoulder and served a generously portioned meal based on their particular offense. Driving 25 miles per hour over the speed limit? Get ready to enjoy Vega’s famously succulent red snapper. Weave dangerously between lanes and you’ll be treated to the best coconut stewed fish the LA freeway system has to offer. Unable to decide? Why not initiate a high-speed chase that culminates in a median barrier collision to try Vega’s opulent prix fixe? Diners should pay close attention to the restaurant’s hours, however, as attempting to order curry shrimp on a Monday will only result in a $350 fine from officer Peter Rusk.

“After that lobster salad, you better believe I’ll be driving drunk on the 405 more often!”

Drive with your brake lights out to order the delicious sweet potato fritters

Varies depending on traffic and chosen radio station

Anyone under 8 years or 4’9” must be seated in the back seat

Now that the word is out and chef Chase Bonsard’s take on moules-frites is the city’s hottest dish, patrons hoping to snag a coveted table at this West Hollywood seafood eatery can expect to wait 10 to 15 years while cryogenically frozen in one of the restaurant’s hibernation chambers. Peruse a menu full of Bonsard’s inventive twists on classic coastal fare, then take your time over the next decade deciding between the indulgent cioppino or the magnificent crab bisque as your metabolic processes are slowed to a state of suspension at 240 degrees below zero. Once your table is ready and the maître d’ has initiated bioreactivation, there’s no better way to complete the thawing process than by warming up with the Newport clam chowder. And those patrons lucky enough to have their vision fully restored by the time the main course arrives will be dazzled by Bonsard’s whimsical presentation and creative plating. According to diners who just returned from their 2008 reservations, the escabeche is phenomenal and they can’t believe Robin Williams killed himself.

 Yes* (*form of payment not guaranteed to exist at time of thawing)

“I miss my son and hope his table is ready soon.”

Liquid N

Plenty of restaurateurs talk about their love of authenticity, but few have the commitment of Rytlewski & Sons in Boyle Heights, which takes the “industrial chic” aesthetic to new heights by being a fully functional drywall factory. Patrons shouldn’t expect a traditional restaurant atmosphere with such predictable offerings as seating, waitstaff, or food. Merely being inside this gritty architectural gem with its stylish manufacturing vibe is an exceptional culinary experience in its own right. Gourmands who don’t mind inhaling gypsum dust and dodging the occasional passing forklift will appreciate how the owners have left the location in an edgy state of rawness, eschewing such tired trends as polishing the concrete floors, replacing the overhead fluorescent lighting with hanging string lights, or removing the machine that slices the drywall into 4-by-12-foot sheets. Once you’ve experienced the genuine rough-edged aesthetic of the factory-inspired dining area, take a peek out back, where the owners have smartly maintained the charm of an active loading dock instead of transforming the space into just another cookie-cutter LA beer garden.

Safety goggles are mandatory at all times

“Don’t leave any of your stuff on top of the folding machine.”

The night shift foreman looks like Chris Cooper

Rytlewski & Sons

You won’t find this enticing Mexican hole-in-the-wall listed anywhere, and getting a taste of the perfectly crisp chicken flautas at Casa Fernandez won’t be as easy as booking a reservation on OpenTable. Instead, you’ll need to gain the trust of the youngest Fernandez, Carlos, by serving as his mentor and math tutor, cultivating a genuine relationship that allows him to slowly open up to you until he eventually invites you to his family’s Westlake apartment for dinner. But be prepared for a long wait, as the only way to acquire Maria Fernandez’s superlative pozole verde is by becoming a real friend and confidante to Carlos, supporting him through the struggles of entering adolescence, sharing your own vulnerabilities in return, developing inside jokes that only the two of you understand, and buying him ice cream whenever he wants. Committed foodies shouldn’t be put off by the location’s exclusivity, as the incomparable cochinita pibil served in Casa Fernandez’s breakfast nook, as well as the joy of truly connecting with a child as sensitive and warmhearted as Carlos, are worth the effort.

$245 for child’s baseball glove, fitted Angels cap, and months of Saturday afternoons spent playing mini golf with Carlos

Occasionally punctuated by the sound of Grandma Gabriela’s favorite telenovelas

“After a long day of pretending to be all of the Avengers with Carlos, nothing beats Maria’s red chile enchiladas.”

Casa Fernandez

Flourishing 12.1 nautical miles off the Santa Monica coast, floating sensation Goldbox makes full use of its location atop a decommissioned container ship under the jurisdiction of no sovereign nation to produce world-class, unscrupulously sourced cuisine. Breathtaking views of international waters surround diners as they tuck into foie gras, veal piccata, and poached bald eagle eggs served up by an efficient preteen waitstaff diligently working their way to freedom. Fresh live rabbits and monkeys flown in daily from Cuba and the Congo are cooked to the specifications of chef Blair Zamora, who believes that the most tender meat is produced by electrocuting the animal with a car battery. While a reservation is required to eat pitside at the nightly cockfight, Goldbox’s absinthe bar always has seats available thanks to its fast service and lack of any fire code. Guests are welcome to present either polar bear pelts or Sudanese oil stocks in lieu of cash or card, but any legal fees accrued upon their return to territorial waters are to be paid separately.

Restaurant of the Year, Bulk Cargo Magazine

Ask about firing an actual M16 at a hunk of corrugated metal

Pull around to the Kmart loading dock, dangle a green shirt out the driver’s side, and once the tranquilizer dart wears off you will awaken at your table

Landone's

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