Flourishing 12.1 nautical miles off the Santa Monica coast, floating sensation Goldbox makes full use of its location atop a decommissioned container ship under the jurisdiction of no sovereign nation to produce world-class, unscrupulously sourced cuisine. Breathtaking views of international waters surround diners as they tuck into foie gras, veal piccata, and poached bald eagle eggs served up by an efficient preteen waitstaff diligently working their way to freedom. Fresh live rabbits and monkeys flown in daily from Cuba and the Congo are cooked to the specifications of chef Blair Zamora, who believes that the most tender meat is produced by electrocuting the animal with a car battery. While a reservation is required to eat pitside at the nightly cockfight, Goldbox’s absinthe bar always has seats available thanks to its fast service and lack of any fire code. Guests are welcome to present either polar bear pelts or Sudanese oil stocks in lieu of cash or card, but any legal fees accrued upon their return to territorial waters are to be paid separately.

Restaurant of the Year, <i>Bulk Cargo Magazine</i>

Ask about firing an actual M16 at a hunk of corrugated metal

Pull around to the Kmart loading dock, dangle a green shirt out the driver’s side, and once the tranquilizer dart wears off you will awaken at your table

Bitcoin, Litecoin, ZenCash, BloodMoney, Neopoints

This chic new downtown bistro is built on the belief that the best flavors are the ones found right in our own backyard. Chef Blaine Stanzi, a master of culinary improvisation, assembles Forager’s menu each morning by scouring the city’s other restaurants for choice dishes he can replate in his kitchen. Often traversing the LA metro area for hours at a time, Stanzi possesses a keen eye for identifying the freshest, most delicious entrees in other eateries, and he’s always willing to experiment with oft overlooked meals from takeout joints and food trucks, resulting in a constantly rotating menu of bright and bold cuisine that the chef has personally ordered, packed in doggie bags, and brought back to his restaurant for serving. At Forager, diners will delight in the unexpected, from opulent French classics plucked from the tables of Westwood to Creole comfort food hand-selected from menu boards just over the hills in NoHo, though prices may fluctuate depending on the dining establishment of origin. With such wild success, it’s only a matter of time before copycat restaurants start lifting dishes from Forager’s standout menu.

Unknown to anyone here, including Chef Stanzi

“When I tasted the summer endive salad from Spago, I knew immediately I’d be coming back to Forager.”

 Just ask a server for the password to the café next door

Forager

After more than 60 years in operation, the owners of this Silver Lake fixture were compelled by the neighborhood’s newly enacted zoning ordinance to convert their family-style Italian trattoria into a poke shop within 48 hours or face eviction. In accordance with civil code 27: 21 C, the new eatery, hereby known as Landone’s Poke, must paint over its dining room mural of a Tuscan village and replace it with a massive cresting wave beneath the words “aloha nui loa” or lose their restaurant permit and risk forcible removal from the premises. As soon as husband-and-wife owners Joseph and Maria Landone have updated their restaurant with the required blue lighting and smiling tuna logo, we recommend stopping in for their city-mandated Oahu Bowl menu item before their shop is ordered to become a Thai rolled ice cream parlor in four weeks.

Before Thursday: penne all’arrabbiata; after Thursday: spicy ponzu poke-rito

Quietly sobbing in the back when they have any time to spare

Maps of Italy and Italian chef sculptures on sale for jaw-dropping prices

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t make the rules. The ordinance says this place needs to be serving sesame seaweed salad.”

In 2017, celebrity busboy Jon Griffiths, an accomplished veteran of the New York and Paris table-clearing scenes, opened his own restaurant in his native Pacific Palisades to showcase his innovative and impeccable take on sweeping away crumbs after a meal. After years spent studying under master bussers across the globe, Griffiths created a popular hot spot where diners can marvel at his dazzling displays, which combine classic French tidying techniques with Southeast Asian influences and Griffiths’ own groundbreaking style. In order to acquire their iconic golden sweepers, each Crumb Sweep employee must undergo a famously grueling yearlong training program to develop the precision and flair that Griffiths expects; on certain nights, Griffiths himself can be spotted showing off his signature single-arm sweep after a particularly crumbly flatbread or bruschetta has been removed from a diner’s table. At Crumb Sweep, you’re sure to be swept away as quickly as the flakes of puff pastry left behind from your meal.

Rosemary focaccia, ordered “extra stale"

“Every single dish was dry and overly crunchy. It was perfection.”

Bring a slice of toast from home and discreetly crumble it over the table

The waitstaff sweeps up a large mound of crushed oyster crackers from the guest of honor’s place setting

Yes, but it often attracts hundreds of pigeons

Crumb Sweep

This playful take on upscale Caribbean cuisine has quickly become LA’s premier destination for foodies on the go—in fact, that’s the only way to place an order. Angelenos who want to experience LAPD officer Todd Vega’s expertly spiced delicacies must commit a moving violation on the 405 between Imperial Highway and Mulholland Drive, where they will be directed to pull over to the shoulder and served a generously portioned meal based on their particular offense. Driving 25 miles per hour over the speed limit? Get ready to enjoy Vega’s famously succulent red snapper. Weave dangerously between lanes and you’ll be treated to the best coconut stewed fish the LA freeway system has to offer. Unable to decide? Why not initiate a high-speed chase that culminates in a median barrier collision to try Vega’s opulent prix fixe? Diners should pay close attention to the restaurant’s hours, however, as attempting to order curry shrimp on a Monday will only result in a $350 fine from officer Peter Rusk.

“After that lobster salad, you better believe I’ll be driving drunk on the 405 more often!”

Drive with your brake lights out to order the delicious sweet potato fritters

Varies depending on traffic and chosen radio station

Anyone under 8 years or 4’9” must be seated in the back seat

Fish And CHiPs

At Wagglers, dongs and their owners aren’t just allowed, they’re welcomed. LA is a city that loves its dongs, and this charming café recognizes that Angelenos hate being forced to choose between great cuisine and spending quality time with man’s best friend. Enjoy a cappuccino and an almond croissant while your dong rests on your lap, or sample one of Wagglers’ superlative sandwiches. The cozy Los Feliz spot can get a little wild when it’s packed with dongs, but that’s what makes it so fun. And it’s the perfect spot for dong-lovers who don’t have dongs themselves to get a few pats in (but always ask the owner first!). Afterward, there’s no better way to burn off one of Wagglers’ scrumptious muffins than heading with your dong to the park next door!

Quick bites; hanging out with cute dongs from the neighborhood

No, but there are water bowls beside each table to help your dong stay cool

Average; dongs are typically well behaved

Wagglers

Now that the word is out and chef Chase Bonsard’s take on moules-frites is the city’s hottest dish, patrons hoping to snag a coveted table at this West Hollywood seafood eatery can expect to wait 10 to 15 years while cryogenically frozen in one of the restaurant’s hibernation chambers. Peruse a menu full of Bonsard’s inventive twists on classic coastal fare, then take your time over the next decade deciding between the indulgent cioppino or the magnificent crab bisque as your metabolic processes are slowed to a state of suspension at 240 degrees below zero. Once your table is ready and the maître d’ has initiated bioreactivation, there’s no better way to complete the thawing process than by warming up with the Newport clam chowder. And those patrons lucky enough to have their vision fully restored by the time the main course arrives will be dazzled by Bonsard’s whimsical presentation and creative plating. According to diners who just returned from their 2008 reservations, the escabeche is phenomenal and they can’t believe Robin Williams killed himself.

 Yes* (*form of payment not guaranteed to exist at time of thawing)

“I miss my son and hope his table is ready soon.”

Liquid N

Landone's

More and more diners are questioning the ethics of eating meat, but at Culver City’s Black Sheep, even vegans and vegetarians can dig into the positively sinful porterhouses with a clean conscience. That’s because chef Mott Hammarskjold’s newest farm-to-table outpost uses only cuts of meat from animals so unrepentantly cruel and malevolent that capital punishment might be too merciful a sentence for these monsters. Working closely with local farms and ranches, Hammarskjold hand-selects hogs with a documented history of torture and mutilation, cattle that deliberately trampled their own calves to death, and clinically sociopathic geese—all of which represent the worst of the worst of their species and must no longer be allowed to live amongst their kin. Ethical eaters can rest easy knowing that not only are they savoring some of the freshest sustainably sourced New American cuisine in LA, they’re also helping to protect thousands of innocent animals from the hardened psychopaths they’re dining on.

Duck confit from a confirmed homicidal mallard

Yes, but you’ll want meat when you find out what these animals did

Ask for any menu item’s rap sheet to ensure it’s as inexcusable as you desire

An open kitchen allows diners to see justice being dispensed

Black Sheep has worked hard to rebuild its reputation following an incident in 2016 when DNA evidence exonerated a Cornish game hen just days after it had been tragically broiled

This casual surf and turf restaurant in Manhattan Beach offers postcard-perfect ocean views, and as an approved in-network seafood provider, it has become a favorite among members of Blue Shield, Kaiser, and Anthem Blue Cross health groups. Patrons simply present their insurance card to the maître d’ upon arrival, which entitles them to coverage for 80 percent of the cost of most standard menu items, such as the exemplary pan-seared tuna and classic shrimp scampi, with only a $10 co-pay (while some generic meals, including the baked tilapia, may be entirely free). However, daily specials, such as the exquisite squid ink pasta, as well as nonessential items like dessert, will most likely be out of pocket. At Lorraine’s, you’ll find plenty of loyal repeat customers who either can’t resist the crab cakes or have already hit their annual maximum and will have their dinners paid for in full by their insurers for the remainder of the year.

Recommended, but walk-ins are accepted in an emergency

“I needed my dad to help me decipher the fine print on the menu’s benefits guide, but it was worth it!”

20–30 minutes, though much of this will be spent filling out diner intake forms

End-of-life palliative ice cream may be covered under some plans

Lorraine’s By The Sea

Allegedly situated somewhere in Central LA, this taco truck serves up what our friend Brady is calling the very best al pastor tacos in the entire city, although he can’t remember its name. The Mexican hot spot’s reasonably priced fare has earned rave reviews of “so fucking good” and “the best shit” from distinguished diners such as Hunter, Rob, and even Brett, who usually hates everything—and it was definitely somewhere near La Brea last Friday because that’s where everyone went out for Wheeler’s birthday. (It’s a yellow truck, if that helps.) But don’t limit yourself to the superb tacos; try the house-made horchata, which Brady is pretty sure he got from the same truck. If you see Carlos working there—at least they think his name was Carlos—tell him he’s the fucking man.

There was a super cool dog hanging around

It stuck around for about 45 minutes after the bar closed

There were some cops around, but they’re not gonna nail you for an open container unless you’re being super obvious about it

One dude was there in a fucking red bucket hat

Unknown Taco Truck

While this distinctive new pop-up destination arrived only yesterday during low tide, it already has the LA foodie scene buzzing due to its generous portions and spectacular oceanfront location. Prospective diners should plan to arrive early, as you’re likely to encounter large crowds of fellow gourmands, 4,000–5,000 seagulls, and hundreds of species of worm, all eager for a spot at this popular limited-run eatery. Rumor has it a second location might be added farther up the coast if the pod continues to wander off course, but you’ll still want to hurry to this seaside sensation before it’s either picked clean or ruptures due to the buildup of gases from advanced putrefaction.

Goldbox

Other Top Restaurants