For a return to the vibrant, neon-lit drive-ins of yesteryear, look no further than the passion project of Tom Steckler, Vin Diesel’s longtime manager who has financed this hopping homage to the vintage diner by quietly robbing his client blind for decades. Steckler has lovingly used the funds he’s been embezzling from the unsuspecting Diesel since the latter’s early roles in films such as Saving Private Ryan and XXX to create a family-friendly experience in Leimert Park that evokes all the soda-fountain and jukebox-rocking fun of the ’50s, with a selection of superb burgers and malts to boot. Rest assured, with Diesel still blissfully unaware that he’s seen only 70 percent of his paycheck for his voice work as Groot in Guardians Of The Galaxy, no expense was spared in turning back the clock at Steckler’s, from its eye-catching black-and-white tile to its inviting red vinyl booths. And with residuals from Fast Five allocated to an expansion of the dining room, rumor has it that the joint might stay open 24 hours a day once Steckler secures Diesel a personal line of flavored vodka.

Whatever you’re comfortable eating big sloppy chili dogs in

“If Steckler’s impeccable quality and classic decor are any indication, Vin Diesel is losing a lot of money.”

Before Vin Diesel hires a more attentive accountant

You won’t find this enticing Mexican hole-in-the-wall listed anywhere, and getting a taste of the perfectly crisp chicken flautas at Casa Fernandez won’t be as easy as booking a reservation on OpenTable. Instead, you’ll need to gain the trust of the youngest Fernandez, Carlos, by serving as his mentor and math tutor, cultivating a genuine relationship that allows him to slowly open up to you until he eventually invites you to his family’s Westlake apartment for dinner. But be prepared for a long wait, as the only way to acquire Maria Fernandez’s superlative pozole verde is by becoming a real friend and confidante to Carlos, supporting him through the struggles of entering adolescence, sharing your own vulnerabilities in return, developing inside jokes that only the two of you understand, and buying him ice cream whenever he wants. Committed foodies shouldn’t be put off by the location’s exclusivity, as the incomparable cochinita pibil served in Casa Fernandez’s breakfast nook, as well as the joy of truly connecting with a child as sensitive and warmhearted as Carlos, are worth the effort.

$245 for child’s baseball glove, fitted Angels cap, and months of Saturday afternoons spent playing mini golf with Carlos

Occasionally punctuated by the sound of Grandma Gabriela’s favorite telenovelas

“After a long day of pretending to be all of the Avengers with Carlos, nothing beats Maria’s red chile enchiladas.”

Casa Fernandez

Why merely eat the lobster you’ve selected from the tank when you can first embarrass it by dunking a basketball right in its face? That’s the revolutionary thinking behind this new Santa Monica seafood eatery where customers have the chance to suit up and throw down a monster jam over a live lobster on a small-scale basketball court before it is boiled and served up. For no additional charge, each lobster is tossed into the air beneath the hoop, helpless to execute anything resembling defense as the diner who will soon be feasting upon it rises up for a brutal, rim-shaking throwdown. Even first-time visitors are sure to slam home a thunderous dunk, earning them the right to stare down the crustacean as it lies humiliated on the hardwood. Afterward, as they dine on the sweet lobster flesh served with drawn butter or garlic lemon sauce, customers can watch slow-motion replays of their utter domination on a screen right at their table.

“Tell that lobster next time he better come to the rim hard or not come at all.”

Families and large parties can go five-on-five against their selected lobsters

Yes, diners can choose to windmill dunk over seasonal vegetables

This chic new downtown bistro is built on the belief that the best flavors are the ones found right in our own backyard. Chef Blaine Stanzi, a master of culinary improvisation, assembles Forager’s menu each morning by scouring the city’s other restaurants for choice dishes he can replate in his kitchen. Often traversing the LA metro area for hours at a time, Stanzi possesses a keen eye for identifying the freshest, most delicious entrees in other eateries, and he’s always willing to experiment with oft overlooked meals from takeout joints and food trucks, resulting in a constantly rotating menu of bright and bold cuisine that the chef has personally ordered, packed in doggie bags, and brought back to his restaurant for serving. At Forager, diners will delight in the unexpected, from opulent French classics plucked from the tables of Westwood to Creole comfort food hand-selected from menu boards just over the hills in NoHo, though prices may fluctuate depending on the dining establishment of origin. With such wild success, it’s only a matter of time before copycat restaurants start lifting dishes from Forager’s standout menu.

Unknown to anyone here, including Chef Stanzi

“When I tasted the summer endive salad from Spago, I knew immediately I’d be coming back to Forager.”

 Just ask a server for the password to the café next door

Now that the word is out and chef Chase Bonsard’s take on moules-frites is the city’s hottest dish, patrons hoping to snag a coveted table at this West Hollywood seafood eatery can expect to wait 10 to 15 years while cryogenically frozen in one of the restaurant’s hibernation chambers. Peruse a menu full of Bonsard’s inventive twists on classic coastal fare, then take your time over the next decade deciding between the indulgent cioppino or the magnificent crab bisque as your metabolic processes are slowed to a state of suspension at 240 degrees below zero. Once your table is ready and the maître d’ has initiated bioreactivation, there’s no better way to complete the thawing process than by warming up with the Newport clam chowder. And those patrons lucky enough to have their vision fully restored by the time the main course arrives will be dazzled by Bonsard’s whimsical presentation and creative plating. According to diners who just returned from their 2008 reservations, the escabeche is phenomenal and they can’t believe Robin Williams killed himself.

 Yes* (*form of payment not guaranteed to exist at time of thawing)

“I miss my son and hope his table is ready soon.”

Liquid N

At Wagglers, dongs and their owners aren’t just allowed, they’re welcomed. LA is a city that loves its dongs, and this charming café recognizes that Angelenos hate being forced to choose between great cuisine and spending quality time with man’s best friend. Enjoy a cappuccino and an almond croissant while your dong rests on your lap, or sample one of Wagglers’ superlative sandwiches. The cozy Los Feliz spot can get a little wild when it’s packed with dongs, but that’s what makes it so fun. And it’s the perfect spot for dong-lovers who don’t have dongs themselves to get a few pats in (but always ask the owner first!). Afterward, there’s no better way to burn off one of Wagglers’ scrumptious muffins than heading with your dong to the park next door!

Quick bites; hanging out with cute dongs from the neighborhood

No, but there are water bowls beside each table to help your dong stay cool

Average; dongs are typically well behaved

Wagglers

With its tantalizing menu of locally sourced microwavable delicacies and its intimate dining room lit only by the flickering of a single television screen, chef Adrian Roper’s elevated tribute to his childhood whisks diners away to a world in which Mom doesn’t get home until 7:30 so they’re on their own for dinner. The downtown spot’s standout dishes include Wagyu beef Steak-umms piled high on rustic white bread and wood-fired Bagel Bites topped with a tomato gastrique and taleggio-soppressata foam, all elegantly plated on folded-over paper towels and placed on the lush carpet in front of cross-legged customers. Diners who stay for dessert can indulge in a heavenly pomegranate-and-goji-berry Fruit by the Foot while enjoying a rerun of Full House or Are You Afraid of the Dark? playing only inches from their face. Patrons looking to linger after dinner can move on to Thad’s Room, the older-brother’s-room-themed bar located in the restaurant’s basement, where they can sink into an inviting futon and sample a thrilling collection of Fireball-and-room-temperature-Sprite-based cocktails.

2:55 p.m. until the sound of the garage door opening

Game of GoldenEye being played at extremely high volume

Deconstructed ham and cheese with a side of seasonal Fritos

Prompt and efficient, but you are required to say “please” and “thank you” to your server

Latchkey

This casual surf and turf restaurant in Manhattan Beach offers postcard-perfect ocean views, and as an approved in-network seafood provider, it has become a favorite among members of Blue Shield, Kaiser, and Anthem Blue Cross health groups. Patrons simply present their insurance card to the maître d’ upon arrival, which entitles them to coverage for 80 percent of the cost of most standard menu items, such as the exemplary pan-seared tuna and classic shrimp scampi, with only a $10 co-pay (while some generic meals, including the baked tilapia, may be entirely free). However, daily specials, such as the exquisite squid ink pasta, as well as nonessential items like dessert, will most likely be out of pocket. At Lorraine’s, you’ll find plenty of loyal repeat customers who either can’t resist the crab cakes or have already hit their annual maximum and will have their dinners paid for in full by their insurers for the remainder of the year.

Recommended, but walk-ins are accepted in an emergency

“I needed my dad to help me decipher the fine print on the menu’s benefits guide, but it was worth it!”

20–30 minutes, though much of this will be spent filling out diner intake forms

End-of-life palliative ice cream may be covered under some plans

Lorraine’s By The Sea

Forager

The crowning achievement of chef Frank Bolen (formerly of Ababa and 餐饮), Pachamanca brings classical Andean fare to East Hollywood by utilizing recipes, techniques, and cookware handed down through generations of the Vilca family until the night Bolen absconded with them from the village of Ayacucho, Peru. With rustic furniture taken directly from the Vilca family home and traditional decor that features a Mother Mary statue discreetly removed from the Ayacucho town square by the chef himself, you’ll feel like you’ve been transported to a picturesque Peruvian mountainside. Enjoy the stunning puca picante stew, based on a page torn directly out of the Vilca family’s handwritten cookbook, prepared in the Vilca family’s generationally seasoned stock pot, and served in wooden bowls made by Abuela Andrea herself. Having lost everything they own, not even the Vilcas could provide you a more authentic Peruvian meal than Pachamanca.

“Chef Bolen’s aji verde sauce is so addictive you pray he doesn’t face extradition.”

If you’re thinking of appropriating traditional Peruvian attire, now is the time

“I’m sure the Vilca family has a newer, better set of cooking pots.”

Pachamanca

Posterize Lobster

More and more diners are questioning the ethics of eating meat, but at Culver City’s Black Sheep, even vegans and vegetarians can dig into the positively sinful porterhouses with a clean conscience. That’s because chef Mott Hammarskjold’s newest farm-to-table outpost uses only cuts of meat from animals so unrepentantly cruel and malevolent that capital punishment might be too merciful a sentence for these monsters. Working closely with local farms and ranches, Hammarskjold hand-selects hogs with a documented history of torture and mutilation, cattle that deliberately trampled their own calves to death, and clinically sociopathic geese—all of which represent the worst of the worst of their species and must no longer be allowed to live amongst their kin. Ethical eaters can rest easy knowing that not only are they savoring some of the freshest sustainably sourced New American cuisine in LA, they’re also helping to protect thousands of innocent animals from the hardened psychopaths they’re dining on.

Duck confit from a confirmed homicidal mallard

Yes, but you’ll want meat when you find out what these animals did

Ask for any menu item’s rap sheet to ensure it’s as inexcusable as you desire

An open kitchen allows diners to see justice being dispensed

Black Sheep has worked hard to rebuild its reputation following an incident in 2016 when DNA evidence exonerated a Cornish game hen just days after it had been tragically broiled

Black Sheep

Humans’ love of eating meat speaks to our most primal predatory instincts, and no restaurant understands this better than Glendale’s Bird Of Prey, which offers not just a host of succulent game dishes, but also the opportunity to hunt from 250 feet in the air just as the great raptors of the sky do. Using a complex network of harnesses and cables, diners at Bird Of Prey begin their meal by perching in the rafters, where they scan the tables below for their desired meal—from juicy sautéed frog legs to decadent whole roasted rabbit—before attempting a 100-mile-per-hour headfirst dive toward their chosen dish. Successful predators are then rapidly hoisted back up to their reserved nest, all the while triumphantly clutching their braised ribs or seared venison in their strap-on talons and defending their meal from other hungry diners with loud, fearsome screeches. Kids are always welcome at Bird Of Prey, though as they stare down at their grilled cheese from 25 stories up, parents might recognize the need for a little push!

Aerodynamically designed spandex flight suits will be provided

Resist the temptation to close your eyes upon impact with the table, as these are the critical seconds when meals are snatched or lost

Making a strong impression during a business lunch

Steckler's

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