Humans’ love of eating meat speaks to our most primal predatory instincts, and no restaurant understands this better than Glendale’s Bird Of Prey, which offers not just a host of succulent game dishes, but also the opportunity to hunt from 250 feet in the air just as the great raptors of the sky do. Using a complex network of harnesses and cables, diners at Bird Of Prey begin their meal by perching in the rafters, where they scan the tables below for their desired meal—from juicy sautéed frog legs to decadent whole roasted rabbit—before attempting a 100-mile-per-hour headfirst dive toward their chosen dish. Successful predators are then rapidly hoisted back up to their reserved nest, all the while triumphantly clutching their braised ribs or seared venison in their strap-on talons and defending their meal from other hungry diners with loud, fearsome screeches. Kids are always welcome at Bird Of Prey, though as they stare down at their grilled cheese from 25 stories up, parents might recognize the need for a little push!

Aerodynamically designed spandex flight suits will be provided

Resist the temptation to close your eyes upon impact with the table, as these are the critical seconds when meals are snatched or lost

Making a strong impression during a business lunch

This fast-casual grill in Pasadena offers both an impressive array of bar food classics as well as a feast for the eyes with its legendary waitstaff, all of whom perkily attend to guests in little more than roller skates and meticulously recreated outfits evoking the 31st U.S. president. Ogling is an understood part of the experience at Hoovers, and while the famed buffalo wings and plump crab legs are worthy of diners’ attention, they simply cannot compete with the distractingly full-jowled servers in their skintight waistcoats. Whether you’re stopping in for a quick lunch or a raucous night on the town, be sure to order one of the restaurant’s signature burgers and let your eyes wander—no one will judge you for staring at all the Hoovers on full display.

“Eye-catching, yes, but most of the Hoovers are clearly fake.”

The speakeasy under booth 8 serves moonshine and highballs

Hoovers

Curious once-overs and interested glances are constantly flashing between customers at this Santa Monica bar, where locals come to see and be seen by other toned and tanned patrons looking for an anonymous tennis partner. From the early morning until the last courts close, visitors to Aces will find it thronged by strong-calfed men and athletic women in skimpy racerback dresses sipping on one of Aces’ superb jalapeño margaritas and eager to meet someone new for a casual one-off singles match or a doubles partner for group play. “The great thing about this place is you can always find someone who’s up for anything, even if you’re into wilder stuff like clay or Canadian doubles,” said one Aces regular, who explained that it’s common for impassioned patrons to slip out of the bar and have a vigorous set with somebody they just met an hour before. As any frequent visitor will tell you, if you end your night at Aces, you’ll be working up a sweat with someone new before you know it.

Swinging singles players; adventurous couples looking to pick up a ball boy

The eastern forehand grip is nothing fancy, but professionals nonetheless swear by it for its versatility and precision

Make an impression: if your shoulder blades aren’t visible, don’t be surprised if you end up on the courts alone

Aces

This chic new downtown bistro is built on the belief that the best flavors are the ones found right in our own backyard. Chef Blaine Stanzi, a master of culinary improvisation, assembles Forager’s menu each morning by scouring the city’s other restaurants for choice dishes he can replate in his kitchen. Often traversing the LA metro area for hours at a time, Stanzi possesses a keen eye for identifying the freshest, most delicious entrees in other eateries, and he’s always willing to experiment with oft overlooked meals from takeout joints and food trucks, resulting in a constantly rotating menu of bright and bold cuisine that the chef has personally ordered, packed in doggie bags, and brought back to his restaurant for serving. At Forager, diners will delight in the unexpected, from opulent French classics plucked from the tables of Westwood to Creole comfort food hand-selected from menu boards just over the hills in NoHo, though prices may fluctuate depending on the dining establishment of origin. With such wild success, it’s only a matter of time before copycat restaurants start lifting dishes from Forager’s standout menu.

Unknown to anyone here, including Chef Stanzi

“When I tasted the summer endive salad from Spago, I knew immediately I’d be coming back to Forager.”

 Just ask a server for the password to the café next door

Forager

It’s not just the fact that Spring & Sprout has maintained wait lines down the block since it opened that’s remarkable; it’s that the very first people to get in line three months ago are still eagerly seeking their orders. Chef Tim Lu’s stellar reputation has followers flocking to this Arts District hot spot, where they begin their dining experience by receiving a blue card at the doorway that is to be exchanged for a numbered pager upon ordering at either Dine-In Station 1 or Takeout Station 1A. Though few have managed to navigate beyond the Side Dish Fulfillment Counter, those who know what to do with the laminated “Food Passport” they receive can, assumedly, expect to be rewarded with one of Lu’s imaginative vegetarian creations. After scanning their mobile receipt at the QR Code Reader, our own reviewers were unable to find the Phase 2 hostess (whom they were told was stationed somewhere near the dipping sauce self-serve terminal) and were forced to circle back to Tray Registration, where they presently remain. But like all who enter Spring & Sprout, they’re confident the beet tartare and Thai tofu meatballs will be worth however many additional steps await them. See you in line!

Sure, maybe they can figure out how the hell this place works

Only through the Spring & Sprout app, which requires iPhone X or later

“Fuck this, I’m going to Pollo Loco.”

Don’t forget to pick up your chair from station G4 before heading to your communal table

Now that the word is out and chef Chase Bonsard’s take on moules-frites is the city’s hottest dish, patrons hoping to snag a coveted table at this West Hollywood seafood eatery can expect to wait 10 to 15 years while cryogenically frozen in one of the restaurant’s hibernation chambers. Peruse a menu full of Bonsard’s inventive twists on classic coastal fare, then take your time over the next decade deciding between the indulgent cioppino or the magnificent crab bisque as your metabolic processes are slowed to a state of suspension at 240 degrees below zero. Once your table is ready and the maître d’ has initiated bioreactivation, there’s no better way to complete the thawing process than by warming up with the Newport clam chowder. And those patrons lucky enough to have their vision fully restored by the time the main course arrives will be dazzled by Bonsard’s whimsical presentation and creative plating. According to diners who just returned from their 2008 reservations, the escabeche is phenomenal and they can’t believe Robin Williams killed himself.

 Yes* (*form of payment not guaranteed to exist at time of thawing)

“I miss my son and hope his table is ready soon.”

Liquid N

This playful take on upscale Caribbean cuisine has quickly become LA’s premier destination for foodies on the go—in fact, that’s the only way to place an order. Angelenos who want to experience LAPD officer Todd Vega’s expertly spiced delicacies must commit a moving violation on the 405 between Imperial Highway and Mulholland Drive, where they will be directed to pull over to the shoulder and served a generously portioned meal based on their particular offense. Driving 25 miles per hour over the speed limit? Get ready to enjoy Vega’s famously succulent red snapper. Weave dangerously between lanes and you’ll be treated to the best coconut stewed fish the LA freeway system has to offer. Unable to decide? Why not initiate a high-speed chase that culminates in a median barrier collision to try Vega’s opulent prix fixe? Diners should pay close attention to the restaurant’s hours, however, as attempting to order curry shrimp on a Monday will only result in a $350 fine from officer Peter Rusk.

“After that lobster salad, you better believe I’ll be driving drunk on the 405 more often!”

Drive with your brake lights out to order the delicious sweet potato fritters

Varies depending on traffic and chosen radio station

Anyone under 8 years or 4’9” must be seated in the back seat

Fish And CHiPs

Sending shockwaves through the fine dining establishment with her boundary-pushing menu of crystal- and ore-based offerings, visionary chef Caroline Sissen has proven that she is far ahead of the gastronomic curve by anticipating humankind’s eventual evolution to consuming rocks for sustenance. While entirely toxic to current customers, Sissen’s signature dishes, such as shale salad and flame-broiled obsidian cutlets, are certain to be appreciated anew in about a million years when humans have developed an advanced digestive tract capable of absorbing nutrients from concretions of mineral matter. While most Century City diners lack the 200-pound pancreas necessary to survive the mica-glazed roast amethyst, that hasn’t stopped the buzz from building around this truly revolutionary restaurant and its avant-garde seven-course gravel tasting menu. With reservations nearly impossible to come by, Feldspar is packing its tables with LA’s top foodies and packing Cedars-Sinai with intestinal rupture patients—and it shows no sign of slowing down anytime soon.

After the development of silicon-based intestines

Sample six different rocks with an igneous flight

All bauxite entrees are based on that day’s market price

Compatible with the anticipated tripedal stage of human evolution

Feldspar

Why merely eat the lobster you’ve selected from the tank when you can first embarrass it by dunking a basketball right in its face? That’s the revolutionary thinking behind this new Santa Monica seafood eatery where customers have the chance to suit up and throw down a monster jam over a live lobster on a small-scale basketball court before it is boiled and served up. For no additional charge, each lobster is tossed into the air beneath the hoop, helpless to execute anything resembling defense as the diner who will soon be feasting upon it rises up for a brutal, rim-shaking throwdown. Even first-time visitors are sure to slam home a thunderous dunk, earning them the right to stare down the crustacean as it lies humiliated on the hardwood. Afterward, as they dine on the sweet lobster flesh served with drawn butter or garlic lemon sauce, customers can watch slow-motion replays of their utter domination on a screen right at their table.

“Tell that lobster next time he better come to the rim hard or not come at all.”

Bird Of Prey

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